Friday, April 29, 2011

here we go nuffin

So here i am, posting lyrics to a song i've loved and listened to a million times..but damn doesn't it make sense??? right. fucking. now ?!?!?!? Dear Spoon, Thank you for nuffin.. hearts :)

When I'm with you, all my brothers, oh
I feel like a king
It feels like I'm dreaming

When that blood goes rattling through my veins
My ears start to ring
I notice what matters

And I got nothing to lose but darkness and shadows
Got nothing to lose but bitterness and patterns

When I can't find the way to reach you my love
I'm just not the same
Just the same

When I know you're watching out for me
I know what I'm knowing
I can see what matters

And I got nothing to lose but darkness and shadows
Got nothing to lose but emptiness and hang-ups

Oh, when I know you're watching out for me
I look for what matters
And I notice what matters

And I got nothing to lose but darkness and shadows
Got nothing to lose but loneliness and patterns

The flowers blooming, the trains collide
I don't got a thing to lose

i've been numb lately..waiting for a storm that hasn't hit, under sever tornado warning. Trying to conceptualize the upcoming change but losing all the bets...emotional at all the wrong times, and feeling numb at the appropriate sad ones. this move can't happen unless i know someone's watching over me, unless i focus on what matters, unless i am forced to let go of emptiness, bitterness, loneliness, old patterns. WTF do i have to lose, right? well, at the moment it feels like i'm losing everything, and i've forgotten about the flowers yet to bloom. i've never done this before, so my brain is in self sustaining lockdown...forcing itself to ward off the reality and cling onto the familiar..this may also be disguised as sadness and anxiety, fear of the unknown, a survival coping mechanism..all natural patterns of thought. HOWEVER, i need to get a small taste of the flowers blooming. this is totally surreal, and i can't think of any way to put it into typeset, unemotional words. shoulda hired a therapist for an hour or so.. jsut so i could let it all out and get it all straight. but alas, the time has flown, and luckily i've got the blessings of loving friends, and tough loving friends. couldn't survive without any of you fuckies. Plus my family, fucking A!!! Seeing Dad play for the last time for a while was wonderufl. i sorta danced my ass off and wished i played one last show with daddy. here's bit of history on that, written my my pal Jason Chronis : I nearly tear up when i hear this song and watch this video. ahhh...
So this will prolly be my last ATX post...we'll see how living in the cuts for a few days and a vacation out to slow mo west coast treats me before the adopted and adaptive pace of NY life slays me or pays me. one of my last fond memories of ATX was wandering down the streets to the sounds of Edwawrd Sharpe on the railroad tour, and dance skipping right up to the brilliant view and sounds with G Face, posting up for a song or two, thinking of my mom and k-spot,and how wonderful the company coulda been had timely and monetary circumstances had been different. (woah total runon sentence, wow!).it was refreshing and fun for realz.. but things have changed, for better or worse, the deal is sealed..i'm going y'all, and i won't quit talking or swearing like a texas gal. that's where my heart is..but its time for a breath of fresh polluted air to refuel. YES. heres to not being scared,and starting to get excited. As RT and sisters raya and buffy have said..its gonna be just fine. Last show in the ATX: tomorrow nite White Rabbits (first studio band) and Sour Notes (ex band). this should be interesting and fun. i still have some valuable faces to kiss and hug tomorrow, but it looks like the end will be filled with tunes. that seems like a good sendoff and a wonderfully inspiring beginning ;)

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