my first day of being smoke free was today! i feel so proud of myself, its kinda nutz! i had a wisdom tooth pulled and was unable to smoke, drink beer, use a straw, chew stuff.. generally felt like shit and slept thru the pain with some ipuprophen and hydrocodone. i followed the guidelines strictly. i was a good girl. then the day came when i was allowed to have a cigarette. i refrained for fear of dry sockets. and then the next day was "Vice Day" i drank two glasses of wine and smoked 3 cigarettes 5 days after my extraction. the cig tasted lame. was it stale? or did i eject a little monster from my system for a few days long enough to make the smoke taste bad. i hope i will never know. i decided that maybe i could smoke only when i drink.. and how convenient that i was going to be goin out and drinking pretty much every nite that week due to seeing my bro and sister off out of town, dancing, shows, whathaveyou. and i realize that it was easier and convenient that way. all the while i was reading Allen Carr's famous book about quitting smoking. it was making a lot of sense. the principals are really interesting, very basic and i was intrigued by the simplicity of the ideas. if i follow the book i realize that i have to look at cigarettes as something that don't bring me pleasure, as a crutch i DON"T NEED. Smokikng doesn't enhance situations. i could go on and on but after reading the book and seeing teh studies, its really true. why do all smokers envy non smokers? smoking feels pleasureable but really pleasure is not having that fucking foul itch and craving to smoke in the first place. at least that's what i think....so if i don't think cigarettes bring pleasure and are actaully hurting me, why would i even want to smoke when i'm drinking? that's when we get to associations.. how many shows have i seen that i feel have been enhanced by the puff of a cigarette? plenty. how many times have i associated the idea of being creative, playing music, sewing, generating great ideas that require commitment and concentration....with smoking? even more plenty.. how many conversations seemed more real when a cigarette was involved? a lot. especially in college, when i was really getting into the whole i dea of new music, being away from home, putting myself out there, being confident in who i was....cigarettes were always there to keep me whole..to have a reason to sit and spark up a conversation with someone..to make a friend. what do you do when you feel cool for the first time in your life because you are doing your own thing and you go to a show? you smoke. and you feel uncomfortable without a smoke because you're just standing there in all your new found confidence that is also a lil bit scary since you're not used to it...and well, you're A-Ok becasue you are there with yourself and your cigarette being fine and feeling good checking out a band you just discovered, feeling that the smoke represents independence. Maybe it did at one point for me, but i refuse to believe that i need a cigarette now to feel confident. shit, college is way long gone and at age 33, i think i've grown up and learned how to assert my independence. i don't need a crutch. i've learned that my body is God given healthy and happy and capable of feeling pressure and going thru both stressful and happy times without a cigarette...i know its the associations that are going to be the hardest. its going to be dancing, when smoking actually (ha) gives you a breather. The shows and feeling how wonderful it feels to stand so close and see a band you adore perform so loudly, so fiercely...you've waited months for this show. and its here. So we shall see how this goes.. But if i may go on a lil self reminder for a moment, i've crafted a few things i need to remind myself before i start hittin up the streets again. 1) i don't the the crutch of nicotine to live. happy/sad/stressful situations i've survived w/o cigs, i am entirely capable now too! 2) Smoking doesn't bring me pleasure.. in fact its killing me. it breaks my concentration instead of enhancing it, it brings on more stress than it reduces because i'm jsut going to stress about when i can have the next one. the amt of enjoyment i tell myself i get from smoking is miniscule to the amount of uncomfortable i get from wanting a cigarette and not being able to have one. think about it. it sucks when you can't have a cig and really fucking want one. the itch blows. 3) Smoking doesn' keep me closer to people. i can't associate relationships, close friends, fond memories of college, shows, parties, boyfriends, etc with cigarettes. the cigarette didn't make the relationship better or more meaningful , and it didn't make the music sound better. In fact, its physically impossible to hug someone your hardest when you have a smoke in hand. cigarettes keep me from connecting to people, not remaining closer. 4) the nicotine trap. everytime i don't smoke, i'm reducing cravings and killing the little monster inside me that wants another one. the monster is dying right now because i've not smoked all day and will continute to die. I"M STRONGER THAN THE MONSTER, and i won't be brainwashed that its enjoyable to smoke anymore. I dont' want to be a drug addict, a slave to nicotine. 5) How good does it feel to be a non smoker? well i felt awesome today after jogging and coffee knowing that my body would survive w/o. i wanted one at work a little bit but reminded myself how fucking proud i'd be if i went all day w/o a smoke. so i didn't. I don't have to be in a nicotine prison if i don't want to be, and ik feel powerful to break free from the jail! i'm Nelson Mandela, whoo hooo!! People who smoke want to do it too, i'm the envy of the smokers, who wish they could quit, yeah, go go go !
but so yeah, i will limit my smoking blogs to few.. most likely posted after shows where i may or may not smoke cigarettes at...we shall see. but for now, i am loving this day and lookking forward to waking up tommorrow..Cigarettes take the genuine me out of me, and i dont' want that. they don't make me a whole person, or the person i already see myself as or want to become.... they don't make me special, unique, cool], have more credibility, hip, intelligent, outgoing, creative, driven...none of these qualities are due to cigarettes. any of them that i possess i do for a reason, because i'm me, not because i'm a smoker. or an ex smoker? There isn't a void smoking fills or a quality that smoking gives me. except yellow teeth and irratibility when i don't have one. so for now and hopefully longer than now, i'm done... i deserve more credit than that, more life than that, fuckin A!!!
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Thursday, August 5, 2010
i'm a little drugged up on post wisdom tooth removal meds, but i didn't wanna end the day w/o raving about the amazing fucking show Beach Fossils put on last nite. They were opening for Here We go Magic, but me and the K-Spot were there for one reason only. Not let down. right up front. bassist john took his shoes off. same with drummer. proper reverb on vocals. it was just right. renewed my faith in the soundsystem at emo's. I see waaay to many sold out shows there, and i'm usually forced to the outside stage left area...and it sometimes isn't even worth it.. BUT last nite, it was grand. To top it off, Krissie knew said bassist John and before she could intro me, he said he used to come see my band play in austin when he was in high school. "weren't you in some electropop band a long time ago?" he asked . i mentioned This Microwave World. "Yes!" he replied, and he's seen us on the very same stage i just watched him on. i was shocked that he remembered..i mean, years ago ! prolly 2004. but a sweet moment indeed and another reminder of how fucking small this world is.. and the ties btwn brooklyn and austin are sooo close. In other news, FFF fest lineup is officially out. IT IS STUNNING. Period. now how do i go for free? can i lend a piece of gear to a stage? can i do internshit stuff? gotta make it happen. more to come soon. like i said, i'm out of it. i feel like Wavves or best coast. it feels kinda awesome, and yes super excited they are coming for FFF. goodnite!
Monday, August 2, 2010
I FUCKING hate it when i feel like NYC has invaded Austin. I don't want to offend anyone since i love these cities dearly.. i grew up in one, and found a home in the other bigger one where the population density and wanderlust beats the fuck outta the homestead. That said, i really can't stand going dancing in one of the few places in austin and feeling like i'm in some just opened or below street level/no sign/makeshift bar club in some part of brooklyn when i'm really just on Red River Street in Austin trying to get a lil shakin and smilin done. i swear, do a dance circle if you want, act like you know karate and dance better than i do on many levels.... but seriously people it kills me. i know waht its like to want to feel special and make a scene or be noticed; we all do. one of my favorite salinger quotes , misquoted i'm sure is "i'm sick of myself and everyone else trying to make some kind of splash..i'm sick of not having the courage to be an absolute nobody." i get it. i live it. i know it. but when my dance space is invaded, i hate it. its my therapy. its my unleashing of my spirit that i'm prolly too scared to do anywhere else, even if it means having a coupla cocktails first. either way, maybe i acted the same way at some point, maybe i got in your way or pissed you off on the dancefloor. but i didn't start a dance circle or act like a shark. hey more power to you for that, we'd probably be friends if we weren't so concerned with the music, but really, the cicular dance a thon that invaded, when the real deal was only one dude who looked like he could be breakin II at the 6 line in Astor place...it was all very annoying. grrr.. oh well. the passion pit, chromeo , the cure, and Karen O were great, and ready for the floor is always a winner for sure, (CEO, The Drums, Wild Nothing, and Best Coast i missed) so kudos as always to the DJ. man, sometimes i feel like i should open my own club..then the excuses roll in: you're not talented enough, you hate accounting, yer gettin old for these hours, and mostly id just wanna dance the whole time instead of DJ. sorry about the rant, just felt like i had to get it out there. grrrr!! all better. and Beach Fossils wednesday with K-Spot!