once a year

its 2015 so here is my one post of the year...so far. things are peachy. things are grand. I'm blessed. I'm lucky. constant underlying feeling that it can't/won't last because..that's life? that's the pattern. early 20's was thin and depressed,quiet.gradual shift into the 30s in OCD and survival mode. and then the light came. i luckily wanted to keep living and do it well. the battles came and went.. and here I am...not taking much stock and writing once or twice a year, regretfully very little. i think when i stopped being scared of the future-whatever that meant, bio clock, losing ppl, changing in general,indecision- i stepped my way into the moment. took a long time...so much fuckin wasted time. Its nice to be able to sift through the bullshit and for me that's enough for now. Thankfully more than enough.

disgusting optimism

one of my Jazzer customers asked me about a song we dance to in class.. She had it right, she knew the moves, the vocal rendition was priceless. It was Pitbull and Becky G. I gave her the info. Her lament was that she tried to ask her friends what it was..they had no clue..I explained my roadtrips with my own pals and my solitary joy in the top 40 hits. whilst loved ones questioned my taste and motives, i broke into backseat dances and pure elation at the moment..not in high school anymore, but still feeling that feel... so yeah, all is well. let go of that thirst...just taking what comes as it does. Still finding my time is well spent. when moments of elation come, just gotta take em. very inspired of aforementioned thoughts by sweet sweetheart. He makes things golden just by thinking about them. its a lucky feeling..to be able to get excited by somebody else's foreign ideas. to mold their far out curiosities into your own. Odd to find the most unlikely match to my brain and have it fit so rightly into my puzzle. I will say, my life makes a lot of sense right now. Its not a feeling i'm used to ever ever. met a new life this past week. he's called Hugo Julian Mikulenka. thought about him every day til i met him, just as i did my niece Audrey Luna. overwhelming connection. in some form or another, I will always be a caretaker. But at certain times, it means more than other times to relish that role. time is on my side... glad to see that thing goin on right now and not see an end.

Happy, did someone say..happy?!?!

oh damn, i guess i only post every 6 months now?? it just seemed appropriate to do it in case i forget what this feels like. its called HAPPY. that's the word. that's me right now. knock on all the wood. Life has just been a grand victory as of late. Worked hard to get here, psyched to be here.. not forgetting how i got here.. <--thats the most important thing. it keeps us all legit. Blessed with so much right now. Its odd the feeling of content that's around. i think part of it has to do with goals and having a focus and looking towards a certain achievement. I've never been able to measure goals too well. i can def look at strides i've made in therapy and with interpersonal relationships.BUT, those are so hard to quantify...and even harder to open up about sometimes. (sucks cuz these strides are the greatest quantities) Apparently i set a goal and i mastered it. It doesn't involve basketball or a dance off, however..hmmm.. ALSO I happened into a good job situation and that feels progessive too. i feel like i have some past waves to ride on as well as current state of productivity-something i always value,but never prop myself for. always my toughest critic. THAT SHIT stops. i'm doin fine. got myself some best friends, gotta GOOD MAN boyfriend who keeps me on my toes, got a home in a place that i can't let go of, got some purpose. Thats cool yeah. of course, still not sleeping enough, drinking too much, over worried about lotsa things, using nicotine, am virtually clueless about pop culture,and i need a proper haircut. BUT, if i'm taking stock as of the moment, feeling on the highest of clouds and over the moon. (KNOCK ON IT AGAIN)

christmas day in BK

Christmas in New York this year...just happens to be my first christmas away from home.. Count up those years in your own head.. WOW. face time saved it all. Just got back from Courtney and Joe's where Mom and Dad were all too happy to see on the screen that i have a family skies away...and its full of love,laughs, lasagna,and a bottle of evan williams -to which my dad prolaimed was the wrong color label. ha! call us cheap. But it all fit in a cozy greenpoint bungalow where the dogs were playful and the giggles plentiful. I missed being home..however being away and abiding by my own rules was peaceful and relaxing. No more FOLO. i adore phonecalls and good basketball. Day jogging on off days. Xmas horror movies are a big win. Hearing bands from Austin on Joey's ipod is good news..plus good power pop and dance jams from courtney. we coulda went forever. so yeah! my own christmas day of leisure - albeit casual, lacking the usual frills, enabled by public transit-paved way for proper christmas traditions to come. I am feeling blessed. pic this day and print it on a greeting card. Tis the season.

is that a pizza balloon with a side mug of beer?

nothin like bruised knees and skin drenched in beer on a tuesday night. thanks a million to Diarrhea Planet for TCBing on that tip. 4 guitars, bass, drums, plus endless amounts of unabashed spunk/pride/humility ...to make a DBA show feel like everything else outside the sweaty confines of a tiny graffiti filled noise box didn't matter. All else was invisible. Show of all shows..anchored (literallY) by supersized balloons shaped as pizza and beer mugs and a happy newly-turned-30 dudefriend. OH GOSH feeling feelings, OH MY! get sentimental at birthdays and milestones, no doubt. inching upon my first foray into Bushwick living. Leaving my first NY apartment for the everexpanding/gentrifying neighborhood we all keep hearing about: the one that we let linger in our budget conscious and next big thrill thoughts: AKA Bushwick. Tacos, 99cent values, and THE spandex goldent skintight fabric mecca of stores thrive. here i COME fuckies~! welcome me to lost adventures and proper late night sandwich discoveries. and if my fear of change is listening, well fuck off. LETS REALLY BE REAL: i'm throwing a show/party thsi saturday. i miss putting on events and shows in the ol homestead, so i feel lucky to have found a space that allows me to curate a proper bill and DJ for the straphangers as well. its nice to be free of pressure and expectation which was a hovering beast in austin..and just put together somethign special. Dont wanna know or care about much of anything except good times and big fun..in the form of sonic happiness. how gay does that sound?!?! so much faITH in Cool Serbia, daytona, and Summer Saints..i'm gonna be a kid in a gumdrop swimming pool!! and Kate is a dreamy DJ partner who is always in it to win it and i wouldn't have it any other way in terms of an inspiring and funloving partner. SO THERE> I really hope the enthusiasm in my head makes its way into the heads of everyone! (GOD PLEASE) 6:00am its been a night and its time for bed.. post pickle sleep, its the best sleep you and I will ever know. a thousand things are on my mind: my upcominig change of scenery, my trip to Atlantic City with the unstoppable K-Spot, Spring time in Austin, my new crush who gives me blushy cheeks and peels off the layers of this weirdo brainfruit ever so nicely, Jazzer boot camp, the end of Middlesex, hugging the new everything and letting go of the old everything...sometimes the mind overflows and its a really sweet feeling <3

going coming

its not a settling down weekend. Lots of greenpoint love tonight and saturday shows (radar eyes). Then Friendgiving on Sunday.. luckily this time of mine has bloomed into a lovely and miraculous thing. Only a short year ago it was different...less than...unassuming. (still on the grand cusp of pretty, but open for wounds and otherwise..lonely at the wrong times) This weekend I enter and exit hopefully on the highest of notes, accented by comfort, belonging, friends, ideas, pockets of home found away from home, optimism, and lookings forward to. Grant came in on tour and it was a time of talking about pastimes and Austin times and teeny bits of months and years ago. We all feel the same way.. and get to that point in the most outlandishly different ways. Still the same though. grant is playing for s crowds of thousands.. i am seeing beauty in numbers of 10. everyone wants to carve something out of slate. we all keep trying and tasking. even when we're rewarded, it never seems to climax. when will it all come down? when will it all settle.. and when will the blanket we weave for ourselves be warm enough? always wondering (semi happily, yet still.) Wondering.

CMJ and the situations that come with it

CMJ is coming up next week. honestly, i just wanna make tons of money $$$$$ and then after/during see whatever i can secondhand at Cake Shop. My free night is next Tuesday...reserved for the So So Glos and Weekend (fuckin finally) at Shea. In the meantime, I'll catch Ghost Wave at work to feed my NZ lust. Twerps are playing Friday with Air Waves, and Shark? on saturday so i'll get my golden moments prior to the music fest party thing?? Plus Radar Eyes in november...another fill. I consider CMJ work time and SXSW fun time. so really sxsw better be worth my while cuz a road trip is in serious consideration at this point. DAIRY QUEEN AND WHATABURGER!! also i DJed this weekend for the @bkgirlproblems party and i couldn't have been prepared for the onslaught of AMAZING that occurred. also stoked to play all my favorites and have ppl enjoy them, aside from the TLC and 90's hip hop requests. I think Carly and myself held it down proper. I miss that shit for real. Also VOTE. for something. I may not spill out blogvomit until christmas in texas so heres a reminder to anyone to just do it and know YOU COUNT. xoxo